Category Archives: self improvement

Hey I’m in the Huffington Post!

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SMbathroomThanks to the lovely writer (and soap fan) Mark Rosenberg, my thoughts on the new All My Children, and the story that led up to this amazing moment in time, are chronicled in the au-courant Huffington Post!  Check it out HERE!

I was sorry they did not use the photo I sent, but in honor of the attempt to use it, I am sharing it with you.  Perhaps it was a bit too risqué for their mag?  I don’t know.  Whatever!

This pic was a part of the photo shoot I did a few months ago. One I did just for me, to celebrate being 43.  YEP forty-three. I do not lie about my age because it would make me feel bad and I don’t want to propagate any myth that it isn’t cool to be in your 40′s.  It’s WAY COOL.  I can’t do anything about what YOU think 43 is, but in my mind, it is nothing to feel apologetic about.

That said, this was not the message I received growing up.  I was told that after I turned 40 I should hang up my hat on all things sexy, romantic, or beautiful.  That I should put on my mom jeans and forget about it.  Well I decided this was bullshit, and this photo shoot is one expression of that decision!

I also realized that in the three years I have been writing my book, I wore my fuzzy robe and slippers far too far into the day.  I would occasionally get some workout clothes on, but often didn’t make it to the gym.  I was, I think, struggling with the content of my book and just needed to comfort myself as much as possible.  I also put on some pounds and drank too much.  Ah, the writer’s life.  I still love me a martini… Mmmm.

As the book neared its completion point I realized had to start shaking it all off.  I had to start letting go of the past and embracing the present.  To me, that meant treating myself better. This didn’t mean I’m was going to give up my fuzzy robe and slippers anytime soon (because they are damn comfy) but that when I got dressed (and it is an effort, believe it or not) I would try more and more to put on something decent, do my makeup, and wear my nice jewelry.

Sometimes I think that they had it right in the 1950′s.  What you wear matters, but only because it is an expression of who you are.  It shows a respect for life, and for the people in your life.  Trust me, I’m not putting on stockings and heels and a girdle every day (HELL NO) but putting on pretty underwear, clean jeans and a nice sweater can really make a difference in how I feel about myself.

There is nothing wrong with being nice to yourself, which is also not what I was taught growing up.  I was taught I was selfish for asking for anything, that I should be grateful for what I have, that I should take care of everybody else and keep my real feelings to myself.  I realized that is WAY WRONG.  It is not nice and not cool and it doesn’t lead to anything like happiness.

It’s important for you to know when I talk about self-improvement, I’m not trying to be a teacher or tell you what YOU should think or how you should be.  I’m no guru nor do I want to be one.  I’m just saying this is MY experience.  If you get something from it, that’s AWESOME.

I hope today you can be a little nicer to yourself, too.

Hugs!

Cady

 

 

 

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Beauty Cares

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Recently I was asked to decorate a “wife beater” t-shirt by my friend, artist Susan Woldman, for a charity called “Beauty Cares.” The purpose of the group is to help raise awareness of women who have suffered domestic violence. I wrote “wife hugger” on my t-shirt, hoping that might be a fun new name we could try out instead of “wife beater,” which is so gross. “Sleeveless tank” is probably more appropriate, but what the hey! Jon made one too!

Jon's T-shirt for Beauty Cares

You can read all about Beauty Cares here, but also check out the “8 Warning Signs That Indicate You Are In an Unhealthy Relationship.” I hate to say it, but I know for SURE I have experienced ALL of these. Thank god I left those relationships.

I really like that the charity also helps women feel better about themselves by giving them a bit of a makeover. I know it sounds frivolous at first, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that the reason I stayed in unhealthy relationships was partly because I didn’t feel like I was worth better.  When I actually allowed myself to look in the mirror and say, “GIRL, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS,” I allowed myself to leave and look for someone who could treat me with love and respect. Feeling like I looked good helped with this. I guess it’s a matter of pride. Personal pride is very important.

Me and my t-shirt

But beauty is also an INSIDE job. We may be all prettied up on the outside, but if we don’t feel beautiful on the inside, it’s like wearing a mask. How to feel pretty on the inside? Prayer helps, as does letting in all the nice things people may have said to you in your life. LET IT IN. I know it’s hard. Trust me. It’s much easier to let the ego go wild and believe all the bad things people say, so sometimes, I make a list. Another thing is to try and stop being so hard on yourself. Every time you have a negative thought, either say a little prayer, or replace it with a positive one. It really works.

Art day!Here is Susan’s table, covered with our art! We had such a fun time making these t-shirts. I highly recommend making some art when you feel bad. It’s a great way to turn the day around!

Wishing you a BEAUTY-FULL day!

xoxo Cady

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Too Faced The Secret To No Makeup Makeup: Shop Combination Sets | Sephora

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We may get a little rough around the edges from lack of sleep or too much partying.  This stuff is just the ticket to “faking it until you make it!”

Too Faced The Secret To No Makeup Makeup: Shop Combination Sets | Sephora.

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The Joys of Aging

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There are a lot of people who are not happy with the fact that we age.  Entire industries and advertising campaigns are built around this feeling of worthlessness, focusing primarily on both functions and appearances that have decreased in, shall we say, lift.  Although I appreciate a good container of French face cream, and the happy results from a pill that makes a man last longer in the sack, I can’t say that the focus that our media puts on these two qualities as life changing is quite fair to our happiness quotient as human beings.  In fact, quite the opposite.

Women as they age can often become more desperate to retain a lost youth, using any means necessary to “fight” the natural process gravity exacts.  We as a gender can, generally, become depressed, anxious, bitter and intensely judgmental of both ourselves and other women.  Men aren’t that different.  They can become more aggressive, more power-hungry, date younger and younger women to prove their virility often looking more and more ridiculous in the process.  What to do?

In my humble opinion, there simply isn’t enough support out there for us to value age for the other qualities it brings.  Wisdom, insight, increased patience, humility and kindness are some internal effects that aging CAN have.  If you have taken the time to learn a craft, you might achieve a level of mastery at that craft and the attendant pleasure that practicing that mastery gives.  Some musicians are a point in fact.  How amazing were Annie Lennox and Brian May at the closing ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics, rocking it out with wrinkles and gray hair flying wildly in the wind?

I am only in the earliest part of my journey towards middle age.  At 42, I am closer to my thirty-something counterparts in emotional charting, or you should think so, but the very mention of being my over 40 can sometimes have an interesting reaction in people.  Almost as if I should start planning my own funeral.  It would be funny if they weren’t so serious.

Apparently, I should be married.  I should have children.  I should be planning my husbands birthday rather than sitting here and writing about my opinion.  I should feel bad about how my eyes are going to shit, and how my neck certainly ain’t what it used to be.  I should be taking my children to summer camp.  I should be angry at younger women.  I should be mourning my youth.

But I’m not.

My youth (how can I say this gently) SUCKED.  I was treated like an object more than I was ever treated like a person, especially in show business but unfortunately even by some friends.  I was objectified, commodified, categorized and minimized – all because I was “young.” I ought to have been treated like a new egg with bright potential, hoping to make a difference in the world, but that rarely happened.  I was an object from which money could be made or sex could be culled.  Men of all ages (mostly older) hit on me, perhaps sensing my fragile daddy complex, and even lesbians took advantage of my complete naiveté.  I know some people saw me as strong and ambitious, but I can tell you now, I was scared shitless in total survival mode. Coming from this experience, why would I ever want to be YOUNG?

I love young people.  I thrill at being able to give them some insight.  I love being able to tell them, “I know how tough it can be, hold onto your dream, you can do it.”  I don’t feel threatened by them, whether they’re men or women.  I like children, and perhaps I will have one someday, but I have also listened carefully to my friends who say, “THINK ABOUT IT” and have paused.  I’m still thinking about it.  I have never gotten married because of one reason: I don’t want to go through a divorce.  My parents marriage and divorce was a total nightmare.  I’ve been through horrible, catastrophic, emotionally debilitating break ups, one that even sent me spiraling into a years long depression.  If getting a divorce is WORSE that THAT, I take marriage very, very seriously.

When I was a teenager my mother would tell me, “Katie, make sure to always have your own money and to make it before you are 40, because no man will want you after that, and no one will hire you.”  WHAT A MESSAGE!  What a load of bullshit.  Sadly, this message is still being put out there, causing thousands of women to feel total despair about their lives.  I’ve often thought about the 1970′s movie “Logan’s Run,” where a society creates a game out of a death machine, created to kill everyone (men and women) on their 30th birthday.  The characters would float up in the sky and literally explode.  Only Logan saw it for what it was and said, “I’m getting the f*ck out of here.”  Is it a surprise to hear me say, “I’m with Logan”?

The bottom line is this: our negative reinforcements of the stereotypes of the unhappy aging person are really uncool and yes, I believe it’s worse for women than it is for men, although it isn’t easy for either gender.

So this blog is my official shout out to all the men and women over 40,50, 60, 70 and on up.  You know, THE REST OF US.  You are NEEDED.  Society needs you to be vocal, to be present about your opinion.  We need you to NOT shrink away, shamed by your neck or balls or whatever, and for you to claim your value as people PUBLICLY.   I, personally, want to see more older women talking about what they THINK, not about what skin cream they use or what designer clothes they are wearing.  I want more older men to stop fighting each other for a power position and talk about what really MATTERS in life, and for both genders to get busy talking about how to help young people THAT AREN’T THEIR CHILDREN.

That is what older people are FOR in a society.  They are not to be locked up in some home so they can sit around watching TV and tasting 50 f*cking flavors of ice cream.  They need to be IN SOCIETY to we can HEAR what they have learned about life!

I know they are tired.  I’m tired, too, but not that tired.  I’ve been kicked in the ass more times than I would like, but I am not defeated.

COURAGE, my friends.  TAKE HEART.  Society needs you to help guide it.  To help keep it on the right track.  Don’t give up.  Vote.  Write a blog.  Start a business.  Council a kid.  It matters.  YOU matter.

So who cares about your neck?  Please.  In the larger scheme of things, it’s so unimportant.  This is why I chose a photo of Hillary Clinton for this blog.  No woman in the public eye has been more picked on for her appearance, when what really matters about her is her FABULOUS MIND.  She’s a brilliant, strong, decisive, amazing woman who is out there fighting the good fight.  I am proud to be an American with her working in public office.  So she’s aging?  WHO CARES?  That conversation is soooo boring.

 

 

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Mental Shifts

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I am thinking a lot about the past and the future these days.  Looking at old ways of thinking and considering implementing new ones.  I awoke to an email from this guy who does a lot of “positive thinking/create your own reality” type of stuff.  In it, he talked about how we sabotage our plans by not being 100% behind them.

For example he states:

“…one of the keys to manifesting your desires is creating alignment between your conscious desires and your subconscious intentions.

Why?

Because, if your Conscious Mind wants one thing and your Subconscious Mind wants something else  it is impossible to create what you want.

These subconscious counter-intentions work to sabotage your manifestations.”

I’ve been off coffee for a while and after reading this, decided it was time for a cup of joe and a chocolate chip cookie (gluten-free, of course!)  I am now sitting here with this quote in front of me wondering, “are my subconscious intentions different from my conscious desires, and if so, how?”

Now you see why coffee was necessary.  Wha?  Huh?  What time is it?  What are you on about, woman?

Seriously, I am wondering if subconsciously, I want/intend one thing while telling myself consciously I want/desire something else.  What this does, according to Dr. Robert Anthony,  is cancel out any manifestations I may have had rolling towards actualization.

Lord, somebody roll me a joint, I sound like such a hippie.

I want a good life.  I want to be happy.  I have a good life.  I am often happy.  I want/intend to release the past and move into the future with joy in my heart, with an open mind and with hope for the future, but this is very hard to do when deep down I don’t think I am worth it.  Or is it something else other than the usual parentally implanted low self-esteem?  Is there something I want/intend/desire, deep down, that I am not admitting to?

What would I do if I could do ANYTHING?  Live ANYWHERE?  Love ANYONE?  Do ANYTHING for a living?  What would YOU do?  What would we do if we weren’t afraid of judgement?  If we didn’t feel set on a path and unable to shift from it?

These days I am trying to do some of the things give me the most fear, and sometimes they are so simple it’s ridiculous.  Like taking a ride on a boat.  So simple.  Make an appointment, get on the f-ing boat.  WOW.  SO dramatic.

Dr. Robert Anthony says to keep exposing yourself to new, fresh and exciting ideas is one way to reduce “counter-intentions” from taking hold.

I think I need to make a list of little things that give me joy, and keep trying to allow myself to have them.  Because bottom line, if you don’t allow yourself to be happy, nobody is going to do it for you.  That’s one of those soap opera myths I grew up on.  ”True Love” was going to solve all your problems.  Uh… no, actually, it doesn’t.  It’s wonderful to have a great partner in life, and it makes a HUGE difference to have a good, loving partner who supports your goals, but YOU still gotta deal with YOU.  What YOU really want, even if it doesn’t always jibe with what your partner wants.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want it, or shouldn’t have it.  Maybe you might have to compromise a little bit, as to when and where and how, but you should definitely have a conversation about what you want.

Don’t you love how I have managed to go from talking about myself to talking about the great “you?”  Ah, grasshopper, the mind is so limber this morning.

What I am talking about, what I am getting at is what real FREEDOM is.  Inner freedom.  It is saying YES to yourself, to what you want and to letting go of the things INSIDE of you that hold you back from having it, and then, oh yes, letting go of wanting.  Oh joy.  Because in fact, you might just need to BE what you already ARE.  You may even already HAVE what you think you want.  What about that?

It gets exciting and sometimes scary when you say, “I WANT.”  It means you’ve put it out there as a real thing, a real need.  Now you have to do something about it, like get out of the way and allow yourself to have it, to be in it, to “live the dream,” so to speak.

I want more beautiful tattoos and I don’t want to be told it’s a mistake or to be given shit for having them.  I want to have more healthy fun.  I want to laugh a lot more.  I want to ride in a hot air balloon.  I want to spend more time making art.  I want to spend more time in New Orleans.  I want to sing again.  I want to care less what other people think about me.  I want to not worry about “haters” and  ”stalkers” and enjoy more “lovers of life.”  I want to feel less responsible for other people and more responsible for myself.

Good morning!  Another cup of coffee anyone?  Cookie?  Copy of “Co-Dependent No More?”

Gwen Stefani knows how to rock this shit (video)

 

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Welcome to the World, It’s Trying to Kill You

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Endometriosis is indeed a mysterious disease.  Since they can’t see it on any kind of x-ray or sonogram, the only way you know if it’s getting worse or better is the amount of pain you feel. Fun!  Why you have this pain is also a mystery, but your body is trying to tell you something: “HELP ME!” is most like it.

Quick reminder about what Endometriosis is: cells from your uterus escape, go rogue, run amok in your body cavity, growing where they should not.  Why this happens no one knows, but a lowered immune system is without a doubt one of the reasons why your body hasn’t fought it off. Perhaps you’ve been under a lot of stress, eaten a lot of crap in your lifetime and/or drank like a fish like I have? Perhaps your weight has gone up and down like a yo-yo because of stress or crazy diets?  Perhaps you’ve had one too many asshole ex-boyfriends? Welcome to the club.

I was a protein a day, glass or two of wine a day plus cocktail girl.  If it has walked, swam, crawled or been fermented, I have probably ingested it.  I think those days are over for me. Glad that I had them (I guess?) but I have really discovered some happiness with DIET CHANGES. This does not mean starvation.  This does not mean raw food and no fun.  It means CHANGES.

I am saying this because I feel I have experienced a physical miracle.

I had a sonogram last week and it turns out there were NO masses.  NOTHING.  There was some kind of “normal” (??) tumor on the left ovary that had burst and there was a mass of saline (??) but no mass that looked like an Endometrioma.  This was very strange to me, because the exam DID hurt, but I was grateful.  She said I might still need an operation if I continued to have pain, but there was no mass she could see that needed removal.  Where did that lump on the right ovary go?  

I think I dissolved it by supporting my immune system with healthy eating, chinese herbs, yoga and acupuncture.  I really do.

I have been DILIGENT in my diet change and in the six days since the sonogram feel better than I EVER HAVE.  It has been only 15 DAYS since I went in for my first acupuncture treatment and 13 DAYS since my gynecologist said I should prepare myself for surgery.   

Also:

1) My TUMMY HAS DE-PUFFED significantly,

2) I’m no longer depressed

3) I have lost weight all over my body, not just in one place.  

4) My sex drive returned.  

5) I decided to try sex again AND IT DIDN’T HURT.  There was just a tiny “ache” in one spot, but nothing like the searing pain I had been feeling before.

I am convinced that changing my diet RADICALLY and adding chinese herbs and acupuncture has made a HUGE difference.  I am feeling a lot better, the pain has decreased significantly and continues to decrease on this treatment.  I am currently seeing Dr. Chris Kolutkis in NYC who is an acupuncturist, an herbalist and a chiropractor.   I will ask him for a list of the herbs he uses in the tea he makes me, but I really don’t suggest mixing them yourself.

Here’s what I do:

2 cups plain warm/hot water in the morning.  This is known to flush the kidneys and the liver, and helps your body get activated to boost your immune system.

1 cups of chinese herbs in hot water and honey or maple syrup, taken three times a day. (3 cups a day.)  Also boosts immune system, cleans your liver and fights infection.

No meat. There is SO much crap in our meat these days it’s really disgusting.  Add to that the horrific treatment of the animals and I can hardly look a chicken in the face.  I have found soy and wheat free meat alternatives at Whole Foods that are really delicious.

No soy.  For a week, I had NO soy and that helped a LOT.  Soy boosts your estrogen production, which will affect the uterus cells, so go easy on it.  Now allow myself a little soy but I try not to eat it every day.

No wheat.  Guten free bread and pasta are pretty easy to find.  Brown rice and Quinoa are really much tastier than I thought!

Easy on the tomatoes.  Tomatoes are highly acidic, and can irritate your system.  The endometriosis causes your body to be inflamed internally, so cutting back on items that cause inflammation is essential.

No dairy except a little scoop of non-fat organic yogurt on meals if you like.  For a milk substitute, I use Almond milk, which comes in a variety of flavors.  Soy milk is really fattening, and also has the soy problem.

No non-organic or genetically modified foods.  Trying to find pure organic produce has been the most difficult, but there are out there in specific stores.  Whole foods has a decent selection. Make sure to wash the produce with a good natural produce cleanser, or soak in the sink with the soap for a while to get the wax or any dirt/chemicals off.  Again, it’s the CHEMICALS that are making you sick.

Very little uncooked food.  Raw food is harder to digest.  Raw food, even nuts, seem to be harder to digest for me.

No sushi.  (This was torture to hear but you know what?  I DON’T MISS IT.)  There is a LOT of crap in raw fish and our oceans are polluted, let’s face it.

NO FAKE SWEETENERS. All those chemicals really make the Enodmetriosis go nuts.

NO IRON.  I was surprised to hear this, but Dr. K said it doesn’t help the Endo.  After a week and a half, I added a multi-vitamin in a Gummy Bear shape because I am still a child sometimes and I hate swallowing vitamins.

NO ALCOHOL.  I have substituted Kombucha, a drink with probiotics and enzymes that has really boosted my energy level.  It comes in a great array of flavors and is really delicious.  This wasn’t easy to wrap my mind around. I LIKE to drink.  No, I LOVE to drink, but it appears drinking doesn’t love my endometriosis.

NO WHITE SUGAR.  Sometimes I take a sip from the pure maple syrup bottle and that helps curb cravings!  I do have a little organic dark chocolate and that helps.I also LOVE cupcakes and the thought of passing by Magnolia Bakery without one was bringing me down.  However there is HOPE:  I am now looking forward to learning more about gluten free baking!  I like this website that was recommended by a reader in the last post: The Post Punk Kitchen.

I also found this cookbook online and am looking forward to trying it out:

So what to add:

Vitamin B-12.  This was essential because by Day 2, with no caffeine, I was falling asleep at the wheel.

Multi-B.  Every other day this added to the B-12 for energy.  The MINUTE I took it, I felt better.

1/4 tsp. all natural progesterone cream on my belly or wrists before going to bed.  This is a natural hormone that helps balance your system.  Only going to use for two weeks and then stop.

In order to stimulate the kidneys and liver into making more enzymes, I sometimes take a little sip of Bragg’s apple cider vinegar before eating.  It’s a shocker at first, but my tummy really likes it.  Her website is hilarious.

PROBIOTICS.  I still need to add these to my diet, but I hear they are also really helpful in keeping the flora and fauna of your intestines working properly to clean out the CRAP that is in there.

Filtered water: You can’t have enough pure, clean water.  Drink until you can’t stand it for a while, and then try to keep up to 8 glasses a day.  I have a hard time with this, but when I do it, I feel SO much better.

YOGA.  Yep, full guru.  I am not very good at yoga, but the breathing and stretching has really helped with my stress level.  I can laugh at myself in the class and that helps, too.  I have decided getting angry at life, anybody or anything is simply not worth it.  I want to be happy and WELL.

Remember: if you have Endometriosis, your body is SUPPOSED to be fighting it off.  If it can’t, you need to help it by changing your diet so it has the tools it needs!

I hit a wall.  My wall was one long round with depression and extreme pain.  I finally said FUCK THAT SHIT and decided I was willing to do whatever it took to feel better.  I am so glad I did, because I REALLY FEEL BETTER!

I had tried this in a half assed way a couple years ago, only to return to the steak and martini out of laziness.  I am sorry I did.  I see it as a reflection of my own low self esteem: I just wasn’t willing to help myself all the way.

Recently I heard a wise young friend say, “Sometimes you get to a point in life where you either have to take the blue pill or the red pill and that’s the way your life goes.”  Well I think I reached that point yet again, and I am excited about the changes that are yet to happen in my mind, body and spirit.

I hope this article helps you or someone you love to reconsider their worth, and helps them to fight for their health.  You ARE worth it.

xoxo
C

 

 

 

 

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Suzy F*cking Homemaker is Now On YouTube, Facebook and Twitter

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Suzy F*cking Homemaker now has her own YOUTUBE CHANNEL:

www.youtube.com/user/suzyfckinghomemaker

She is also on TWITTER: @HomemakerSuzyF

And FACEBOOK (of course): www.facebook.com/suzyfckinghomemaker

Thanks for checking her out!

xoxo

Cady

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Housework Rules!

Suzy Fucking Homemaker Shares 10 Tips for a House Party

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 SFH (abbreviation) Suzie Fucking Housewife

A homemaker who is proficient at chauffeuring children to and from activities, baking cookies and giving blowjobs.  “Who the hell does he think I am? SFH? I have a PhD for Chrissake!”

Hello.  Today I’m Suzy Fucking Homemaker.  I’m here to tell you that having a pretty house isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be as hard as you are making it.  Would it kill you to rinse off your dishes instead of leaving them crusty in the sink?  Throwing your clothes at the hamper isn’t going to make them climb into the washing machine and it sure isn’t going to reduce that lovely smell of sweat sock that is proliferating throughout your tiny hell hole.

As I roll like a deflating kickball into my “Erma Bombeck” years, I realize that I have a few tips that might help y’all pull your shit together so you can make pretty without sacrificing your sense of hard won liberation from your folks.  Let’s be clear: no matter how young and fabulous you are, you are still going to have to have a clean toilet when mister or miss hot stuff wants to hang out.  So let’s get real.

Today we will start with one simple cure for the lonely and lovelorn:  The House Party

BASIC TIP #1: When you have a get together, no matter how nice you have decorated your living room – everybody will want to hang out in the kitchen.  It doesn’t matter if the living room is huge and the kitchen is a dark closet.  As many people as can cram in there will do exactly that, challenging one and other on the rules of personal space.  Why this is happens is a mystery, but I think it has something to do with people feeling more comfortable where action is occurring and less comfortable where face to face dialogue is the ultimate goal.

TIP #2: Prepare yourself for kitchen action by making sure the kitchen is not a shit storm of preparation plates and garbage.  Organize your chaos by having things for people to do: open bottles, slice tomatoes, take glasses to the living room.  When guests are asked to be active they feel better about taking a smelly dump in your guest half bath or stubbing out their smoke in your planter – hey, they folded the napkins!  The casual atmosphere of asking people to “pitch in” often leads to the women getting busy and the men talking, but don’t count the guys out.  Just ask them.  Unlike the cliché of the lazy dude, men are usually really happy to be asked to do something, especially if it’s something that makes them looks strong and sexy like moving the coffee table a few feet to the left.

TIP #3: It goes without saying that you will have vacuumed and dusted your entire apartment before inviting people over.  I was young once, believe it or not, and I’ve been to parties where people haven’t.  Bong water is disgusting and doesn’t make me want to hook up or be friends with anyone.  It makes me want to vomit.

TIP #4: Don’t ask your guests to help you clean up.  You invited them over to give them a gift.  Your clean house to hang out in is part of that gift.  Their gift is their presence and if they were properly raised, they will also bring flowers or a bottle of wine.  People who come to a party empty handed are usually takers and have been raised in a barn.

TIP #5: DO NOT insist on party games or watching a certain program unless you have specifically stated in your invitation that is the point of the party.

TIP #6: Controlling hosts are THE WORST.  SERVE THE FOOD AND POUR THE WINE THE MINUTE THE GUESTS ARRIVE.  Hosts who make people wait to eat are to be strung up by their ankles and flogged with a greasy noodle while being forced to watch episode one of The Real Housewives of Staten Island over and over.

TIP #7: Conversation is an art.  Invite people who know how to talk to one another.  One secret of a good conversationalist is to be a good listener.  Ask questions and listen to the answer.  You could learn a lot about a person, which could be useful when you introduce them to other people at your party.  “Hey, this is Jeff and he’s really into comic books, aren’t you a collector, too?” is a nice way to help people who don’t know one another to engage on some mutually appreciated level.  People love to share their passions.  Listen for them and for god’s sake don’t judge!  “Yes, how interesting,” is delicious.  “Oh, that’s ridiculous,” is a big fat buzz killer at parties, unless of course, Jane Doe is being a real asshole.

TIP #8: Douche bags at parties can’t be helped, but you have two options: show them the roof and invite them to jump or get them busy doing something so they don’t flap their stink yap all over your good time.  Certain people belong at the grill with a beer in their hand.  Others need to be in the kitchen “being helpful” because they simply have no social skills whatsoever.  Your job as host is to know your guests and help them have a good time even if they are complete failures as a human beings.  There is SOME reason you invited them, even if it is to get them to offer you their comp tickets to the Knicks game.

TIP #9: The hand written thank you note is NOT out of style.  If you have been a guest at someone’s home, would it kill you to take two seconds to jot down “Thanks for the lovely evening, we had a blast,” and stick a stamp on it?  Christallmighty you could send a postcard!  E-mail is simply too quick and easy, and a text is (as we all know) so impersonal.  Put on some lipstick and kiss the fucking postcard and stick a stamp on it, but for god’s sake send one.  You will be AMAZED what an impact it will make.  (You want those Knicks tix, don’t you??)

TIP #10: Don’t go there unless you are sure you wanna go there.  Decide beforehand how you feel if people start getting drunk and making out.  Have a plan.  You could give them your room or politely suggest they get one.  Either is socially acceptable, but don’t feel obliged to get your tits out just because other people are doing it.  Then again, if you wanna shake your money makers in the privacy of your own home, that’s great.  I might suggest making sure to collect all cameras and cell phones before things get going, however. Last nights naughty drunken pictures aren’t as fun when they hit the all too sober Internet.  Prepare – that’s all I’m saying.  Have condoms nearby and KNOW what you are getting into.  It’s great to have sexy fun, but it’s an elective, not a requirement, got me?  Anybody who pressures you is an asshole, pure and simple.

All that said, parties are a great way to make new friends as well as business connections.  Plan ahead and use these tips (don’t forget some festive party garb) and you will be sure to be swinging from the chandelier with a bottle of champs singing “Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer” with a group of likeminded nut jobs before you know it.

Ain’t FUN the whole point?

 

 

 

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On Comments

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Well it’s been an interesting experience reading the comment section both on Policymic and now here on my website. You can find them here and here.

I am much appreciative of the time and effort put in by those who have read my thoughts and expanded upon them, adding links to interesting and insightful articles and quotes. I am very grateful for your support. I am glad to know I am not alone in my concerns.

I consider myself to be a pretty loving and accepting person. I have never felt the need to defend or explain myself because I figured anyone who took the time to read my blogs would find, over and over again, that I am a proponent of love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance of others. It appears there are some who don’t see that in me, and who in fact, see me as intolerant, judgmental and ignorant.

I allow them their opinion. Much as I don’t enjoy being called an asshole, I wish them the best.

What I have asked for is a frank investigation as to the effect of what is basically a sub-culture on the mainstream culture- mainstream meaning pop culture, or anything that you might be able to find easily within a few clicks on your computer or television. Children are affected by mainstream culture, as are young adults. It is where they look to figure out what the world is all about.

Many college students and some high school students know about the Marquis de Sade, or have read The Second Sex. I suggest these students are the exception and not the rule.

I can only speak from my experience, and I do not claim to be an expert in S and M. I have stated several times in my comments I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little consensual slap and tickle between adults. I do have to question, as I think anyone would, why a man and woman might want to go further. I think it’s a fair question. I think it’s fair to say that the culture of S and M is not the norm for most people. If it is normal for you and your partner, I hope it brings you joy. I do, however, question why some of the commenters feel the need to attack me on such a strong and personal level. It belies an impatience with others and an internal rage that also concerns me.

I also am concerned with comments that state women are better than men. I don’t think that’s right or fair.

On another note: just because there are a lot of abused men and women out there doesn’t make it normal or right. I suggest considering each and every persons basic human dignity in order to try to elicit compassion for each and every person- even the one that attacks you. That doesn’t make me better than anyone – it makes me able to live in the world with my heart open.

I have no desire to hate anyone, or fight anyone or make anyone feel worse than they may already do. If my comments about finding certain humiliations in S and M practices disturbing have made you feel like I am judging you as a human being I am deeply regretful. I remain unconvinced that it is a practice that should be made available to children and people under eighteen as a usual sexual practice between adults.

When I was fifteen years old, my date – a guy one year older than me – took me to the local university to a movie. It was “A Clockwork Orange.” I was deeply shaken by the experience and did not want to kiss the boy afterwords, but be taken straight home. I refused to date him again after that. Watching the horror and violence in that film at that age scared the heck out of me. I didn’t find it funny, or sexy or brilliant. I found it frightening and I could not understand why my date would want to take me to see that film.

I will point out that Stanley Kubrick, the director of the film, and staunch defender of free speech, had the film banned in the UK as a reaction to copycat gang rapes and attacks on innocent civilians that came about after the release of the film.

I think my reaction as a fifteen year old was “normal.” I think most fifteen year old girls would feel the same way. I don’t think allowing them to see extreme sexual acts as commonplace is a healthy thing for their developing psyches. Do we really need to rip away young people’s innocence so soon? They are going to learn about it all at least by the time they are twenty. Can’t we allow them to have fifteen to twenty years of innocence and a gentler introduction into the complexities of human nature? What is so wrong about that?

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Letting in and Letting Go

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If life has taught me anything, it is that feeling close to another human being is the greatest feeling there is.  To feel connected, understood, accepted for who you are is what we are all looking for, what we all yearn for.  What gets in the way are the experiences we have had where others have treated us wrongly, hurt us or rejected us or shamed us.

How to recover that sense of trust?  How does one embrace the vulnerability required to allow another person to really know you- your fears, your insecurities, your dreams and desires?  It’s all very risky and requires two things: discernment and courage.

We can’t go throwing our love at just anyone and expect them to be able to handle it.  That is what kids do (and they should) with their parents.  When parents are screwed up, they leave the kids with all kinds of unfulfilled needs for connection.  Trust me, I know all about this.  Later, as a struggling adult, discernment helps you choose who you will trust with your fragility, your tenderness, your needs.  It took me a long, long time to gain this and I have had to make a lot of mistakes, trust a lot of the wrong people to learn just how important it is.  What I am suggesting is that you can CHOOSE who you will love.  In fact, I think it is one of the most important and powerful things you can ever do in your life.

Then comes courage.  To allow this person that you have carefully vetted to be close to you, to know you, is a courageous act.  It is so much easier to hide, to present a false idea of who you are or how you feel to another.  Most people when asked, “How are you,” will simply state, “Fine!  How are you?”  It’s pretty normal to not want to go there with your true feelings.  The thing is, if you don’t, you will skip that moment when a real connection can be made.  It feels so good to get a hug when you are down from someone who you know really cares about you, doesn’t it?

This is my wish for 2012, for myself and for you: that we let in the people we choose to trust. That we allow the goodness of life outweigh the sorrow.  That we forgive those who have hurt us, but we don’t forget.  That we move towards those who will cradle our hearts with tenderness and gracefully and allow those who cannot or will not understand our needs- to carry on elsewhere without worry or concern.  Everyone is on the path that they need to be on.  Finally, to feel, really feel the love that others have for us.  It’s the best feeling there is.

 

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