CADY McCLAIN

Director, Producer, Artist

Suzy Fucking Homemaker Shares 10 Tips for a House Party

Posted on: May 27, 2012

 SFH (abbreviation) Suzie Fucking Housewife

A homemaker who is proficient at chauffeuring children to and from activities, baking cookies and giving blowjobs.  “Who the hell does he think I am? SFH? I have a PhD for Chrissake!”

Hello.  Today I’m Suzy Fucking Homemaker.  I’m here to tell you that having a pretty house isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be as hard as you are making it.  Would it kill you to rinse off your dishes instead of leaving them crusty in the sink?  Throwing your clothes at the hamper isn’t going to make them climb into the washing machine and it sure isn’t going to reduce that lovely smell of sweat sock that is proliferating throughout your tiny hell hole.

As I roll like a deflating kickball into my “Erma Bombeck” years, I realize that I have a few tips that might help y’all pull your shit together so you can make pretty without sacrificing your sense of hard won liberation from your folks.  Let’s be clear: no matter how young and fabulous you are, you are still going to have to have a clean toilet when mister or miss hot stuff wants to hang out.  So let’s get real.

Today we will start with one simple cure for the lonely and lovelorn:  The House Party

BASIC TIP #1: When you have a get together, no matter how nice you have decorated your living room – everybody will want to hang out in the kitchen.  It doesn’t matter if the living room is huge and the kitchen is a dark closet.  As many people as can cram in there will do exactly that, challenging one and other on the rules of personal space.  Why this is happens is a mystery, but I think it has something to do with people feeling more comfortable where action is occurring and less comfortable where face to face dialogue is the ultimate goal.

TIP #2: Prepare yourself for kitchen action by making sure the kitchen is not a shit storm of preparation plates and garbage.  Organize your chaos by having things for people to do: open bottles, slice tomatoes, take glasses to the living room.  When guests are asked to be active they feel better about taking a smelly dump in your guest half bath or stubbing out their smoke in your planter – hey, they folded the napkins!  The casual atmosphere of asking people to “pitch in” often leads to the women getting busy and the men talking, but don’t count the guys out.  Just ask them.  Unlike the cliché of the lazy dude, men are usually really happy to be asked to do something, especially if it’s something that makes them looks strong and sexy like moving the coffee table a few feet to the left.

TIP #3: It goes without saying that you will have vacuumed and dusted your entire apartment before inviting people over.  I was young once, believe it or not, and I’ve been to parties where people haven’t.  Bong water is disgusting and doesn’t make me want to hook up or be friends with anyone.  It makes me want to vomit.

TIP #4: Don’t ask your guests to help you clean up.  You invited them over to give them a gift.  Your clean house to hang out in is part of that gift.  Their gift is their presence and if they were properly raised, they will also bring flowers or a bottle of wine.  People who come to a party empty handed are usually takers and have been raised in a barn.

TIP #5: DO NOT insist on party games or watching a certain program unless you have specifically stated in your invitation that is the point of the party.

TIP #6: Controlling hosts are THE WORST.  SERVE THE FOOD AND POUR THE WINE THE MINUTE THE GUESTS ARRIVE.  Hosts who make people wait to eat are to be strung up by their ankles and flogged with a greasy noodle while being forced to watch episode one of The Real Housewives of Staten Island over and over.

TIP #7: Conversation is an art.  Invite people who know how to talk to one another.  One secret of a good conversationalist is to be a good listener.  Ask questions and listen to the answer.  You could learn a lot about a person, which could be useful when you introduce them to other people at your party.  “Hey, this is Jeff and he’s really into comic books, aren’t you a collector, too?” is a nice way to help people who don’t know one another to engage on some mutually appreciated level.  People love to share their passions.  Listen for them and for god’s sake don’t judge!  “Yes, how interesting,” is delicious.  “Oh, that’s ridiculous,” is a big fat buzz killer at parties, unless of course, Jane Doe is being a real asshole.

TIP #8: Douche bags at parties can’t be helped, but you have two options: show them the roof and invite them to jump or get them busy doing something so they don’t flap their stink yap all over your good time.  Certain people belong at the grill with a beer in their hand.  Others need to be in the kitchen “being helpful” because they simply have no social skills whatsoever.  Your job as host is to know your guests and help them have a good time even if they are complete failures as a human beings.  There is SOME reason you invited them, even if it is to get them to offer you their comp tickets to the Knicks game.

TIP #9: The hand written thank you note is NOT out of style.  If you have been a guest at someone’s home, would it kill you to take two seconds to jot down “Thanks for the lovely evening, we had a blast,” and stick a stamp on it?  Christallmighty you could send a postcard!  E-mail is simply too quick and easy, and a text is (as we all know) so impersonal.  Put on some lipstick and kiss the fucking postcard and stick a stamp on it, but for god’s sake send one.  You will be AMAZED what an impact it will make.  (You want those Knicks tix, don’t you??)

TIP #10: Don’t go there unless you are sure you wanna go there.  Decide beforehand how you feel if people start getting drunk and making out.  Have a plan.  You could give them your room or politely suggest they get one.  Either is socially acceptable, but don’t feel obliged to get your tits out just because other people are doing it.  Then again, if you wanna shake your money makers in the privacy of your own home, that’s great.  I might suggest making sure to collect all cameras and cell phones before things get going, however. Last nights naughty drunken pictures aren’t as fun when they hit the all too sober Internet.  Prepare – that’s all I’m saying.  Have condoms nearby and KNOW what you are getting into.  It’s great to have sexy fun, but it’s an elective, not a requirement, got me?  Anybody who pressures you is an asshole, pure and simple.

All that said, parties are a great way to make new friends as well as business connections.  Plan ahead and use these tips (don’t forget some festive party garb) and you will be sure to be swinging from the chandelier with a bottle of champs singing “Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer” with a group of likeminded nut jobs before you know it.

Ain’t FUN the whole point?

 

 

 

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