Housework Rules!

Suzy Fucking Homemaker Shares 10 Tips for a House Party

 SFH (abbreviation) Suzie Fucking Housewife

A homemaker who is proficient at chauffeuring children to and from activities, baking cookies and giving blowjobs.  “Who the hell does he think I am? SFH? I have a PhD for Chrissake!”

Hello.  Today I’m Suzy Fucking Homemaker.  I’m here to tell you that having a pretty house isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be as hard as you are making it.  Would it kill you to rinse off your dishes instead of leaving them crusty in the sink?  Throwing your clothes at the hamper isn’t going to make them climb into the washing machine and it sure isn’t going to reduce that lovely smell of sweat sock that is proliferating throughout your tiny hell hole.

As I roll like a deflating kickball into my “Erma Bombeck” years, I realize that I have a few tips that might help y’all pull your shit together so you can make pretty without sacrificing your sense of hard won liberation from your folks.  Let’s be clear: no matter how young and fabulous you are, you are still going to have to have a clean toilet when mister or miss hot stuff wants to hang out.  So let’s get real.

Today we will start with one simple cure for the lonely and lovelorn:  The House Party

BASIC TIP #1: When you have a get together, no matter how nice you have decorated your living room – everybody will want to hang out in the kitchen.  It doesn’t matter if the living room is huge and the kitchen is a dark closet.  As many people as can cram in there will do exactly that, challenging one and other on the rules of personal space.  Why this is happens is a mystery, but I think it has something to do with people feeling more comfortable where action is occurring and less comfortable where face to face dialogue is the ultimate goal.

TIP #2: Prepare yourself for kitchen action by making sure the kitchen is not a shit storm of preparation plates and garbage.  Organize your chaos by having things for people to do: open bottles, slice tomatoes, take glasses to the living room.  When guests are asked to be active they feel better about taking a smelly dump in your guest half bath or stubbing out their smoke in your planter – hey, they folded the napkins!  The casual atmosphere of asking people to “pitch in” often leads to the women getting busy and the men talking, but don’t count the guys out.  Just ask them.  Unlike the cliché of the lazy dude, men are usually really happy to be asked to do something, especially if it’s something that makes them looks strong and sexy like moving the coffee table a few feet to the left.

TIP #3: It goes without saying that you will have vacuumed and dusted your entire apartment before inviting people over.  I was young once, believe it or not, and I’ve been to parties where people haven’t.  Bong water is disgusting and doesn’t make me want to hook up or be friends with anyone.  It makes me want to vomit.

TIP #4: Don’t ask your guests to help you clean up.  You invited them over to give them a gift.  Your clean house to hang out in is part of that gift.  Their gift is their presence and if they were properly raised, they will also bring flowers or a bottle of wine.  People who come to a party empty handed are usually takers and have been raised in a barn.

TIP #5: DO NOT insist on party games or watching a certain program unless you have specifically stated in your invitation that is the point of the party.

TIP #6: Controlling hosts are THE WORST.  SERVE THE FOOD AND POUR THE WINE THE MINUTE THE GUESTS ARRIVE.  Hosts who make people wait to eat are to be strung up by their ankles and flogged with a greasy noodle while being forced to watch episode one of The Real Housewives of Staten Island over and over.

TIP #7: Conversation is an art.  Invite people who know how to talk to one another.  One secret of a good conversationalist is to be a good listener.  Ask questions and listen to the answer.  You could learn a lot about a person, which could be useful when you introduce them to other people at your party.  “Hey, this is Jeff and he’s really into comic books, aren’t you a collector, too?” is a nice way to help people who don’t know one another to engage on some mutually appreciated level.  People love to share their passions.  Listen for them and for god’s sake don’t judge!  “Yes, how interesting,” is delicious.  “Oh, that’s ridiculous,” is a big fat buzz killer at parties, unless of course, Jane Doe is being a real asshole.

TIP #8: Douche bags at parties can’t be helped, but you have two options: show them the roof and invite them to jump or get them busy doing something so they don’t flap their stink yap all over your good time.  Certain people belong at the grill with a beer in their hand.  Others need to be in the kitchen “being helpful” because they simply have no social skills whatsoever.  Your job as host is to know your guests and help them have a good time even if they are complete failures as a human beings.  There is SOME reason you invited them, even if it is to get them to offer you their comp tickets to the Knicks game.

TIP #9: The hand written thank you note is NOT out of style.  If you have been a guest at someone’s home, would it kill you to take two seconds to jot down “Thanks for the lovely evening, we had a blast,” and stick a stamp on it?  Christallmighty you could send a postcard!  E-mail is simply too quick and easy, and a text is (as we all know) so impersonal.  Put on some lipstick and kiss the fucking postcard and stick a stamp on it, but for god’s sake send one.  You will be AMAZED what an impact it will make.  (You want those Knicks tix, don’t you??)

TIP #10: Don’t go there unless you are sure you wanna go there.  Decide beforehand how you feel if people start getting drunk and making out.  Have a plan.  You could give them your room or politely suggest they get one.  Either is socially acceptable, but don’t feel obliged to get your tits out just because other people are doing it.  Then again, if you wanna shake your money makers in the privacy of your own home, that’s great.  I might suggest making sure to collect all cameras and cell phones before things get going, however. Last nights naughty drunken pictures aren’t as fun when they hit the all too sober Internet.  Prepare – that’s all I’m saying.  Have condoms nearby and KNOW what you are getting into.  It’s great to have sexy fun, but it’s an elective, not a requirement, got me?  Anybody who pressures you is an asshole, pure and simple.

All that said, parties are a great way to make new friends as well as business connections.  Plan ahead and use these tips (don’t forget some festive party garb) and you will be sure to be swinging from the chandelier with a bottle of champs singing “Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer” with a group of likeminded nut jobs before you know it.

Ain’t FUN the whole point?

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Suzy Fucking Homemaker Shares 10 Tips for a House Party

  1. avatarTonya Hice

    Cady, This is absolutely HILARIOUS! So much so, I read it aloud to my husband, who actually stayed to hear it to the end & thought it was very funny. I don’t understand the people who think “This CAN’T be Cady!” & are “disappointed”. To hell with them! You are a very articulate adult & can speak your mind using whatever type of language you choose, just as they do–I’m almost positive the ones who express disappointment use language far more offensive than this (or, perhaps, they are in terrible need of “getting some”).
    My husband was also surprised by the language used, but only because he is only familiar with you as “Dixie” or “Rosanna”, not as your true self, expressing your own unscripted thoughts. I love reading your blogs–happy, sad, funny, whatever. Stay true to yourself (as if you’d change to please those few closed-minded readers) & keep writing! Love you!!!!

    Reply
  2. avatarMarc

    You keep writing Cady, and I’ll keep reading. Every good article should stir some emotion, as this one obviously has. It’s all about the humor folks, unbutton your mind and enjoy life…

    Reply
  3. avatarHaroldsBone

    I just want to add I totally agree with the etiquette tips, that you ALWAYS bring SOMETHING when you are invited to dinner, and usually to a party too. I was raised that way as well, and I was also forced to always write a thank you card for gifts, although I am not sure we were told to write them for parties. Calls, emails and texts are no substitute for a handwritten note.

    Reply
  4. avatarChristina

    BTW, it’s HILARIOUS that some of these people think this can’t be you or are “disappointed” by your comments. They clearly don’t know you like a lot of us do!

    Reply
  5. avatarChristina

    Love you with all my heart, Cady, but I take exception to tip #4! I was raised perfectly fine, but I don’t feel the need to bring someone wine because they’ve invited me to their house and I don’t want presents from them when I invite them to mine. I’m happy to hang out with people I like, and I assume they’re happy enough just to hang out with me. Some social conventions DO beg the question “Why?”

    Reply
  6. avatarKatie B.

    You’re so right about everyone congregating in the kitchen. I used to work myself ragged cleaning the living room before sweating over the meal and cocktail prep, only to find that I was having to dodge elbows and asses while people lounged against my kitchen counters. Now I make a point to have the food ready early, keep it warm on chafing dishes, and swill a couple of martinis before guests arrive so I don’t notice when they spill wine on my counter tops.

    Reply
  7. avatarJay Arnold

    Dear Suzy. I thoroughly enjoyed your party tits and plan to keep them handy for easy reference. I was wondering if you could help me out with a some additional tits. You see I never seem to know what to say when people spend an extraordinarily long time in the bathroom. While I would never expect a guest to crap on demand, it’s concerning when a guest is in there for an extended period of time – particularly when there aren’t even undertones of poo under the scent of our festive citrus candle 30 minutes later. Worse yet is when people wonder off into rooms or worse yet drawers and shelves. It’s not that I wouldn’t be willing to loan out my House of Morecok videos, although to me, “lending” is when I choose to hand something over, not when one fetches it themselves and asks to borrow it in front of all my guests. Lastly, I worry about guests who insist on bringing an uninvited party guest with them. Seems to me, if one is so pathetically insecure and alone, wouldn’t the prospects of meeting someone new be better if they didn’t shroud themselves behind an uninvited intruder? And it always seems the uninvited guest will be the one to smoke in your non-smoking house, stop up your toilet, stank of body odor and steal your drugs. Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. Thanks so much for sharing your tits and I look forward to crashing you next party soon. Sincerely, Assy Galore.

    Reply
  8. avatarMs. Cheevious

    I have to say my beau should be the one saying that “Who do you think I am??” … only not Suzy… Maybe Sammy… He is pretty rockin’ that way… but the tips are good ones, especially the handwritten thank you. I prefer the kind with money in em’ but hey, I give good grades for effort.
    Good one Ms. McClain. Will share indeed…

    Reply

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