The Goddess in the Toilet

Like it or not, pornography is a part of our culture. Almost everyone wants to have sex, and frankly, why not? Sex can be a holy event or an animalistic release or a worship of the body, male or female but however you look at it, sex is a part of our nature and our nature is to be creative. Pornography can be an expression of sexual creativity – a beautiful homage to the human form or a way of reflecting on desires buried deep beneath the subconscious. Generally, exploring one’s sexuality is a healthy thing – at least you are taking a moment to not judge your desire for pleasure or your need for connection to another, but looking deeper.

However, some pornography can take things into a sociological territory where desire is so perverted that what is really happening is a form of violence and what is really being expressed is rage about former abuse and a re-enactment of that abuse. This is true for both men and women.

I witnessed two examples of this type of porn while watching a documentary called, “The Price of Pleasure.” Every once in a while, I watch porn; watching other people have consensual intercourse can be sexy and sometimes make a good situation better. Enough said. But watching sex is not having sex. And exposure to a million types of fetish makes me wonder if we’ve become a culture who has found indulgence of our every whim commonplace. I can hear the shouting: “We have a right to have a choice!” And, “We have a right to have as many things to choose from as possible!” O-kaaaay. Shop yourself out. But lately I find myself having to “click away” more often than not. This is not only because of what is left of my inbred shame, but more often because of the huge amount of violent situations I am suddenly seeing enacted. It seems to be endemic, in all kinds of porn and in all kinds of media, whether professional or amateur. This really, really concerns me. I’m not the only one.

When interviewed for the “The Price of Pleasure” and asked, “Didn’t porn performers choose to do the job and get paid?” scholar Noam Chompsky replied, “The fact that people agreed to it and are paid, is about as convincing as the fact that we should be in favor of sweat shops in China- where women are locked into a factory and work 15 hours a day and then the factory burns down and they all die. They were paid and they consented but it doesn’t make me in favor of it.”

It concerns me even more when I realize all of this sexual violence is accessible on the Internet to kids with only the click of a button. Gone are the days of backrooms and Adults Only video parlors. On some of the most obscene sites, children only have to swear they are over 18 and that they don’t find it degrading or abusive, that’s all (I say that ironically). Sometimes it’s only one click of a button and their lie is legal. That’s not a contract, that’s a scam that takes advantage of a child’s curiosity, not to mention an adult’s. I should not have to swear away my human rights while a porn site gets to express its first amendment rights.

Here’s a link to a new film premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival that is investigating this important phenomenon of the mainstreaming of porn and the effect on today’s youth. SEXY BABY THE FILM and a really interesting interview with the filmmakers on Huff Post, discussing the mainstreaming of porn and its varying effects on young women. The bottom line is- young women are looking to porn more and more to create their sexual identity. This concerns me because of the violence that is becoming endemic in mainstream porn. Clicking the photo below will take you to The Times of India. Because of the global reach of the Internet, children’s access to pornography is becoming a world wide concern.

One disturbing example of accessible violent porn I saw (on the documentary and on the Internet, but I can’t tell you where) was a series of scenes enacting various S&M scenarios, suddenly quite popular these days with the release of the novel, “50 Shades of Gray.” I had to look to find out what all this sex play in the novel was referring to. In the hundreds of scenes I saw posted in small boxes on my screen, beautiful young women were shown being choked, gagged, hung upside down, whipped, screamed at, and beaten and not always softly. They were being f-ked (not made love to, there is a big difference) hard and what looked like, painfully. It was difficult to imagine they were enjoying themselves when they appeared to be experiencing degradation and humiliation.

I understand S&M has a long and glorious history, and has sex-positive practitioners; however one must wonder how many practitioners are simply allowing themselves to be abused – that’s certainly the message from these particular porn movies. One person agrees to be the “powerless one” or “submissive,” while being provoked by the “powerful one” or “dominant.” It’s a sexualized power play. On a certain twisted intellectual level, you could justify it by saying S&M is a way to mock your own attraction towards power by allowing yourself to be abused by it and if that’s your mind kink I say whatever, go for it, but that’s not what these particular porn movies are showing. They are showing young, beautiful women being violated in a really ugly way by men and sometimes other women. What kind of message is this for young women, not to mention young men?

I’ve been told that the novel “50 Shades of Gray” investigates the issues of a desirable but complicated guy and the woman who is equally complicated and attracted to him. Fair enough, but I want to ask you to take a moment for me and imagine a sexy, masculine but complicated man, perhaps imagine a God figure like Thor, someone who perhaps many heterosexual women might find hot. Can you imagine Thor wanting his girlfriend to put on a ball gag and crawl on her hands and knees while he fisted her? So why are fantasies like this being twisted to become romanticized but coercive acts in both our fiction and pornography?

In another series of scenes from the movie I witnessed a possibly worse humiliation than S&M can dole out. Again, young, pretty, powerless women – and let’s be honest, more and more of them look like teenagers – are being f-ked hard (again NOT made love to, there is a difference) orally and vaginally while their heads are in the toilet. Then the guy reaches over and as he cums on her, HE FLUSHES HER HEAD IN THE TOILET. Sometimes he does it so her face is sucked into the hole by the valves and the bowl fills up, making drowning a real potential. Can you imagine Spiderman, another sexy but conflicted “Super Hero/God figure” flushing MaryAnn’s head in the toilet while he came on her face? No! That’s disgusting! Our heroes don’t do things like that! So why are some of our men finding this attractive and being told it’s socially acceptable?

Now you may want to tell me, “Hey, she agreed to do it, she wanted it, she liked it,” and I will tell you, sorry, that’s BS. Let me share a word Chompsky mentioned, a word most people don’t really respect the power of: COERSION. To clarify: if you tell a young person, a powerless person, and perhaps a sexually or physically or mentally abused person who just wants love and attention and some money to survive, that such and such a thing will get them the things they want, that it gives them power even, some of them are going to listen to you. It’s as simple as that. No matter what they say, they aren’t being super savvy and “using” the system, they are being used by it. They aren’t becoming empowered by choosing to play the role of the victim. Whether madam, prostitute, porn star or stripper, no matter what they say to her face, the men who take their pleasure and pay up are laughing behind her back.

Now let’s get on to the deeper issue, and it all goes much, much deeper than, “Well, some guys are really messed up, their mom’s were jerks and some girls were really messed up by their dad’s and this is how they work it out and what can you do?” Although I have enormous compassion for the complexities of abuse, I believe it goes even deeper into the roots of our society as a whole. We have to look into the issue of equality. Why, in our modern society, do we still tend to see men as being more important, more valuable than women?

I believe we can look to patriarchal religions for one part of the answer: in a society where the god we worship is male, and the most popular religions state women are only an extension of a man- women hold no value. Period. Without the acceptance that the female divine is as holy as the male, human women will never fully take their place alongside men in terms of respect. We will still be objects to f-ck and vessels for a man’s sperm, owned by men, dominated by men, abused by men, and flushed down the toilet at will. Valueless.

I want to make it clear I am not saying that women should be held above a man in terms of her value. I am also not saying that all women are goddesses and should be worshipped as such. I am saying that without a healthy, socially accepted construct for a feminine divine equal to the masculine divine, we are a society out of balance, leaving women vulnerable to be blamed and attacked whenever something goes wrong.

It is important to remember that women are as human as men in their need for sex. Just because I am saying there is a divinity to women does not mean that all women need to be in touch with that divinity at all times and get up on a pedestal to be worshipped. Women can be just as wild and sexual as any man, and frankly I see this as a good thing.

However, when you see women being attacked sexually on film like I have described, it is exploiting a perversion and fear that has been allowed to fester, grow and develop. I believe this visual, visceral form of abuse of young women where the man dominates and violates the precious, fertile female form for all to see exploits a fear of women’s power.

What’s so scary? Women are not here to create a culture of Amazons to enslave and humiliate men. Most women, like most men, are not out for revenge. Like many men, many of us are naturally nurturers and even in our rage, even in our greatest sexual and intellectual strength we still love, we still have the ability to be compassionate. If you are deeply wounded person, we want you to heal, as a male would.

Ladies, please don’t let ANYONE convince you it’s fun to be humiliated. As a survivor of childhood molestation, I personally know it’s a complex issue. I’ve been there. I have tried to convince myself I was in control when I wasn’t. I went into denial for years about certain situations, trying to believe that I put myself in a bad position so I must have deserved what I got. I had to deny what happened in order to survive it. I know I am not alone.

Young girls are constantly being broken sexually, forced into being unwitting submissives before they even understand what they are submitting to. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit being attracted to men who were just like the man who abused me, so if you have a similar situation you have all my compassion. It’s taken me years to understand my own sexual power, to accept it, to enjoy it and years more to find a man worth sharing it with.

What I am trying to tell you is that recognizing your divine grace within, and taking the time to value your higher nature as well as your sexual side is worth every bit of the struggle.

The empowered sexual female is a powerful symbol of feminine equality. Perhaps this is what frightens certain men, and why the violence in pornography is beginning to escalate.

Perhaps some men want to retain their sense of entitlement to control society, their “god given right” to be the leaders, dominate the land and control a woman’s body. Perhaps some men are angry about what they perceive to be a loss of power, and are acting out that anger on the women who are the most vulnerable – the young.

I hope considering the holy within both men and women might be a way to ease some of this anger and focus on ideals we both share: the value of love, fairness and personal dignity.

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17 thoughts on “The Goddess in the Toilet

  1. Wow, terrific article. I have read it several times.
    I personally can’t see why any person would want to be hurt and degraded. My personal feeling is that a large number of these women have suffered abuse and have basically been broken. They feel that this is what they deserve in life and that’s all they are good for.

  2. I was directed here from a sex-positive website, mostly because what you have written is provocative and needs to be responded to.

    On the topic of the cornucopia of porn available and porn actors being able to choose to do the work. Not everyone in the sex industry is there voluntarily, but majority of pornographers are. They do have a choice on what jobs they want to take, and even the novices quickly establish their own list of hard limits of what they won’t do. The industry is predominately good about respecting their actor’s limits. To act in a video with toilet humiliation like you described, actors have to actively seek those jobs out.

    >”It was difficult to imagine they were enjoying themselves when they appeared to be experiencing degradation and humiliation.”
    Let me use the website http://www.kink.com for example to address this. It features men and women in equally as humiliating scenarios. They do everything from masturbation to spitting to cattle prodding. The epilogue of each video is an interview or debrief of the actress, with emphasis on what they liked about the experience. Actors and actresses keep returning to the site to produce more BDSM videos. If your imagination is not up to the task, I recommend actually watching a couple interviews of the humiliation videos to get first hand experience instead of assuming it’s fake or only coercion. Here’s an example of those interviews I found on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbPQKqyKtLI

    Paragraph eight about S&M, you really don’t know what you’re talking about. For one, even if you can’t believe it, it’s actually the sub in the sub-dom relationship who holds the power. It’s up to the dom to serve the sub’s needs (the need to be dominated and/or humiliated), and if they can’t, the sub can find another dom who is a better fit. I recommend watching Catherine Breillat’s film Romance. The character Robert is an ugly man, but the protagonist get’s off on being seduced and forcibly dominated by him, his ugliness only making the experience more satisfying.

    There’s so much wrong in this piece, I can’t address it all.

    Here’s some homework for you do to:
    -Watch Catherine Breillat’s Romance, it might help you understand what BDSM is about.
    -Read Marquis de Sade’s Philosophy in the Bedroom, Justine, and 120 Days of Sodom. If you give them an honest read, you can expect all your ethics and morals to be challenged and dismantled. http://supervert.com/elibrary/marquis_de_sade/ If you can’t be bothered, at least listen to the iTunes open university podcast on his work http://podcast.open.ac.uk/pod/a207-marquis-de-sade
    -Michel Foucault’s History of Sexuality, Vol 1. Genealogy of the sexual self 101, it will give you incite on the role of power in sex which you seem to be off target on.

  3. Tomorow morning my Garbage collector will come by, a bunch of guys in overhauls covered with garbage slinging disgusting crap into a truck that is even more revolting – all for minimum wage. the job is also the 5th most dangerous in the country.

    Indian untouchables climb into and clean sewers for less per year than a US garbage collector makes in a week.

    Others in this country make a living as fisherman, prize fighters, wrestlers, bull riders, coal miners, loggers, and firefighter – all jobs where violence is either part of the job or an extremely high risk.

    Some people engage in extremely risky and unpleasant activities such mountain climbing for fun.

    The fact that a job or actvity is seen as repugnant and or dangerous to many of us does not give us the priviledge of denying someone else the right to do if if they want, or even if they feel they have few other options – so long as their choice is still free.

    There are thousands of people in china seeking the abysmal factory worker job for each person that actually has it. That job only exists because it can be done cheaper than elsewhere. As wages rise slightly in china we are seeing many of those jobs return to the US – to be done by machines. And as crappy as the factory worker job in China may be, not having that job for most Chinese is far worse. And if that is not bad enough for you conditions in China are better than many other places in the world – partly because of crappy jobs like that that our parents parents were able to build the prosperous nation we live in, and it is because of jobs like that that the chinese and much of the world is far better off than they were a generation ago.

    That fact that a job, or activity is undesirable or even repugnant to me. That it may be dangerous, or violent, is no justification for regulating or prohibiting it.

    Whether for profit or pleasure, whether compehensible or not the free choices of other people that do not directly and involuntarily harm others are none of my business.

    Nature does not owe us anything. Sustaining our lives is always subject to the coercion of nature – before which we are all relatively powerless. That some of us are fortunate enough in our circumstances that survival is easy, does not make giving someone in worse circumstances a job that is undesirable to us into an evil act. for much of the world and many in the US a bad boss and crappy job is far better than none at all.

    That a person makes choices – ones you do not like, possibly even bad choices for reasons you do not like – even bad reasons, alters nothing.

    If you really believe that all this is about past abuse, coercion, powerlessness, …. Then offer these people competitive jobs yourself. Then I can accuse you of exploiting them .

    If someone has actually abused you or other – punish the actual abusers.

    Plenty of men and women engage in sexual fantasies involving the violent and painful domination and humiliation of men by women. Sexually violent fantasies and activities exist are even common within both the male and female homosexual communities.

    Fred Phelps has built a movement around excoriating those whose behaviors disgust and repulse him – possibly with better argument than yours.

  4. Cady McClain is one of those assholes who think that the world revolves around them and the rest of us should bow to their obviously superior opinion of how the world should be and whats right and wrong.

    I’ve been involved in the BDSM community for well over twenty years now. I’ve seen many of the things Cady’s whining about and more done consensually to both men and women in the role of the bottom.
    Women in the role of bottom in BDSM are the most valued and have the most control over what’s being done to them in a scene. Nothing happens that they don’t want to have happen.

    It’s very simple. If you as a top abuse your bottom or do things to them they don’t want done, you’ll very quickly have no bottoms willing to play with you. The hierarchy in BDSM is simple. Submissive women are the most valued. Then dominant women. After them come dominant men. In the basement are submissive men.

    People who take on the bottom’s role can and do engage in extremely intense levels of play, willingly and consensually and actually enjoy it.

    I’m so damned tired of assholes like Cady condeming other people’s sexuality just because what they’re doing doesn’t happen to turn them on. They’re no different than homophobes or religious nutcases who demand that they rest of us conform to their belief system.

    The thousands of people who engage in BDSM care not a bit about an aging whiny soap actresses’ disapproval of what they do in order to express their form of sexual orientation. Her ill informed tight-ass opinion flat out doesn’t matter at all.

    If Cady were smarter and had googled something other than ‘S&M porn’ as a search parameter, she would have actually found information about BDSM from the people who actually live the lifestyle. There are hundreds of webpages created by practitioners and players.

    Only a complete moron would would google something as limited and insipid as ‘S&M porn’ and expect to find anything other than the lowest and most commercial information on the subject of BDSM. Doing so proves how idiotic Cady Mclaine is and amply demonstrates the worthlessness of her opinion.

    Cady’s ranting about BDSM demonstrates that she is as closed minded and uptight as someone from middle America whose never been further than a hundred miles from where they were born. The type who thinks they’re open minded because their field of experience is so narrow and shallow.

    1. Funny how if Cady’s opinion doesn’t matter, it sure seemed to work you up, nonetheless.

      Did you read the exchange between myself and her – I think she draws her line fairly and clearly and allows for (and even embraces) the broad differences in humanity.

      Cady may not be pro-BDSM and that’s fine. Just as it’s ok to practice and appreciate BDSM, it’s also okay for it not to be your “cup of tea.”

      Calling Cady judgmental or narrow-minded is way, way off-base, in my opinion. And she always expresses herself politely – a manner you could learn from.

  5. To whom it may concern: I totally agree with Cady McClain! I truely trust her judgement on anything. She is very inspiring to me in all she does. She has many different talents and I truely admire such a lovely young lady. I use to watch her as Dixie Martin on All My Children for years. She was great as an actress as well as having a very special way at expressing herself. She can wrie, sing and act in such a way that you feel like your there with her. I would trust her with my life. Always know that she is someone to always have in your corner. To me Cady, is someone that only comes along once in awhile. Thanks Cady and God bless you always. A fan and friend always! With love, Carle Wells!

  6. Frankly, it’s a little scary for me that the collective opinion of this book (at least from what the media reports) is that it’s great erotica. How many women have gotten into the “I can fix him” situation? And this is basically selling that. Which can be dangerous – especially in a case where abuse is involved. How many times have we heard the “he doesn’t mean to do it… he loves me, I deserved it” excuse? It’s in the book too. You were bad, you deserved the beating.

  7. To Tonya,
    I’ve read the “Fifty Shades’ book and I can tell you that there is an attractiveness to it. The connection between the two is electric and they simply have to have each other night and day. The problem in the book, at least for me, was the beating. Anything that makes someone else cry, and ugly cry, IMHO is not good or loving. The fact that the characters explore each other’s bodies and push boundaries (Christian doesn’t like to be touched due to his abusive childhood) because of how much they need/love the other is very compelling. What you want to believe in is that these two crazy sex fiends can get it together and heal each other. (I’m thinking that may be what the second two books are about, haven’t decided if I’m going to read them or not). So, while I don’t think Dr. Oz was all giddy about the whipping a woman until she’s covered in snot from screaming out in pain and crying, I think the fact that they had a very lusty relationship was possibly inspirational to him …. or maybe he was “sold” the show by his producer who was trying to be titilating and garner ratings. Who knows? There is some mild S&M stuff – binding her hands with his necktie that’s not bad and can be erotic. But for me, the author went too far for me to embrace Christian as a hero or even an anti-hero. He’s very possessive, jealous, controlling and basically stalks her.

  8. Thanks so much for this blog. I am impressed with your candor here, and yet the one thing I find missing is a word to describe what you are saying. That word is EROTIC. The erotic film can be a magnificent work of art if it’s done right, and Roger Ebert has found many. Porn, in and of itself, is not morally wrong. It invites the viewer to search for the erotic and enjoy it. Unfortunately it also opens the door to sexual slavery, a state of being that has been around ever since someone decided sex had monetary value. If you allow the good, you must expect the bad.

    1. I have no problem with the word erotic or anything it implies. However, I’m not sure I agree with your statement that if we allow the good we must accept the bad. I think we are capable of moderating ourselves, that’s why as a society we have laws. Not all porn can fall under the auspices of “Freedom of Speech.” Here is a good example of a porn producer violating federal obscenity laws. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/ira-isaacs-guilty_n_1460413.html

  9. Cady, you write about complicated topics and take strong positions – that is to be respected. And I so often agree with you, on a variety of topics.
    On abuse masquerading as sexual behavior, again, I largely agree. My girlfriend is raising a pre-teen girl and from her I’ve learned about the myriad worries of raising a child (and maybe specifically a girl) in today’s culture.
    But I do want to ask you, Cady, as someone who is clearly sexually liberated and has portrayed that onscreen – notably Rosanna Cabot – where do you draw the line? What is abuse and what is acceptable sexual behavior, if it truly is consensual.
    I ask because I am what is known as a “spanko” – I enjoy consensual spanking in a heterosexual context, both giving and receiving. I can tell you there are many reasonably well-adjusted men and women out there who enjoy this – and many of us identify with gays and consider ourselves sexually “other” because we feel maligned, misunderstood, ridiculed, what not. By and large, we do what we do in secret and keep this facet of oursevles under wraps, despite the fact that it’s just part of our sexual nature.
    You’re a progressive, thoughtful person Cady – and I know that your concern about abuse and about degradation is genuine. And as someone who is preparing to be a father figure to my girlfriend’s daughter, I want more than anything in the world to protect this girl from some of society’s baser instincts and bad actors.
    All I ask is just don’t lump everything that might come under the rubric of “S&M” together – it’s too easy to judge that which you can’t really understand or relate to.

    1. I know there are people out there who do enjoy light S&M and I do not judge them or you. What I am writing about is far more violent. If this article seems to have lumped everything together, I apologize. I tried hard to be careful to respect any personal preferences and focus on the escalation of violence in modern pornography and how easy it is to become inured to extreme behavior.

      1. Fair enough, like I said I largely agree with you. And I would certainly draw the line at – well, actually, before – some of the examples you cited.

        Thanks for the reply.

  10. Oh how I love this blog! IMHO anytime you objectify a person you show total lack of respect for them. I’m sorry, I don’t find bondage, beatings, humiliation and subjugation sexy at all.

    **SPOILER WARNING** I did read “Fifty Shades of Grey” trying to figure out the appeal and can tell you that there are only 2 really bad abusive parts that involve spanking hard and whipping to it. Christian Grey is the outwardly beautiful Adonais. He’s “fifty shades of f-cked up” inside though and he warns her off. Several times. But she is drawn to him (and he to her). To make it worse, she’s a virgin who has only been kissed like twice. When he realizes that he actually does “go slow” and make love to her instead. My whole problem with the book is – he NEEDS HELP. He was abused as a child living with his crackhead mom, and then at 15 had a “Mrs. Robinson” situation where the woman was a S&M Dominant and initiated him into the S&M lifestyle. She was his first and he credits her for saving him from following his mother’s path into substance abuse. I’m not sure this is any better – possibly worse since he’s hurting others instead of just abusing his own body. I really, really hated how they had Anastasia willing to do anything for him just to be with him. For most of the book, even though she was in pain and upset, crying, feeling abused she did it because it was the only way they could be together and she loved him. Sistah, he ain’t worth it! In the end, after asking him to do his worst to see if she can live this lifestyle – she wakes up about who he is and leaves him. (I haven’t read the sequels, and I’m sure they’re back together in them). She really just wants to be loved and has low self -esteem. FYI, the book was based on Twilight fanfic, and you can see the Edward/Bella characters pretty clearly… only “Edward” isn’t a sexy vampire (who only feeds on animals) protecting her and promising her eternity… he’s a masochist Dom who wants to hurt her to get off while feeding her lines about how the Submissive actually has all the power. WTF? I’m sorry, I don’t understand this lifestyle at all.

    I just think some people get off on power and the more we desensitize to cruelty and pain on screen and in print the more the “least common denominator” can push the boundaries with subjugation, oppression, and mind games to keep control. It happens in governments, the workplace, as well as in personal relationships. As for why this is popular – I hadn’t heard about the book until I saw it on the news and GMA as the latest hot book that they were touting as erotic. Um, not really. The initial scenes were hot, I admit, but once the initial attraction and chemistry between the two ended and the beatings started – they lost me. If we’re catering to the lowest common denominator (and I believe this also played into the downfall of soaps and the rise of reality tv) and saying this crap is entertaining instead of something that benefits the mind and soul (Roman Bread and Circuses vs The ideal Greek form of drama and comedy)… we are truly, hopelessly, in a moral vacuum. And we all know what happened to Rome. Just sayin’. The more copies of “Fifty Shades of Grey” sold, the more greedy publishers will put out S&M books that will just get progressivly lighter on plot and human expression and heavier on the torture and. This is NOT OKAY. I’m now reading IMAGINE, about where creativity comes from.

    1. An important question is whether porn creates or reflects negative behavior that already exists in both men and women. The Marquis De Sade wrote that women are like female wolves who have a feral instinct to be taken brutally. To blame men or porn for an instinct that women have had as part of their genetic makeup since the stone age is short sighted. Women don’t get raped by wimps geeks and nerds, yet rarely choose to hang out with them. Women prefer aggressive Jerks. Men who are physically or psychologically brutal. It isn’t only men who have been twisted by evolution. The definition of what a real man is and what behavior a real man should engage in is one of the most evil destructive myths on earth. Men who victimize women are men who are strict devotees of all aspects of masculine behavior. Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to victimize women in the first place. Hans Christian Anderson was perhaps the most sensitive man who has ever existed on planet earth. He also didn’t get many breeding partners. Girls hate wimps.

      1. It’s really sad that you think that way. I apologize on behalf of any and all women who made you think that you weren’t interesting because you weren’t a jerk. It simply isn’t the case. There are some women who like jerks, and some men who like women who are mean to them, but trust me, those relationships don’t last long because it’s totally based on past family dysfunction, not on the “feral woman’s” need to be pushed around or the “devotee of masculine behavior”‘s need to push a woman around. That is a real misunderstanding of the dynamic. There are psychological wounds under all that aggression.

        The fact is, we should remember that both men and women are far more than their need to get laid. We are multi-layered beings who need respect and love as well as many aspects of both the masculine and feminine energies within in order to be happy within.

        On your comment that girls hate wimps: I am sure you would agree that’s a bit simplistic to focus on women’s dislike of weak men. Men don’t like wimpy, whiny women all that much either. It works both ways. If we want a partner, whining or manipulating is really unattractive and isn’t going to help you.

        It sounds like what you need is a dose of self confidence, which frankly is something everyone needs. I recommend getting into something physical that has a spiritual basis, like martial arts, to help you find out what a great guy is living within you, and to help you let go of some of that aggression. Yoga and martial arts are good for both men and women to help them both heal and feel better about themselves.

        Both women and men are attracted to people who feel good about who they are. That’s the bottom line.

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