The Pain of Creating

From the desk of Cady McClainI’m going to be honest with you. Creating is not easy.

Making anything, even a quiche for goodness sakes, take effort, thought, concentration and caring.

Making a film? Fogettaboutit.

NOT EASY.

Since I’ve started on this journey I’ve had a handful of breakdown/breakthroughs. I’ve cried wondering why some men in show business can be so thoughtlessly dominating. I’ve cried wondering why some women can be so competitive and cruel. I’ve cried from feeling a lack of support. I’ve cried wondering why I chose such a difficult subject.

I’ve cried the hardest realizing how so much of all of this is really about my mother.

Mom… Truly, the most powerful influence in my life was that nutty, brilliant, madwoman. She who often gave up on herself, but who (despite her harsh words sometimes) never gave up on me.

Her pain at feeling like there wasn’t a place for her voice in the world sunk deep down into my bones. Her fear at putting her work out there echoed into my heart. Her loneliness, her anger at men, her wounds… they have been my encyclopedia of womanhood.

The other day I turned to Jon and said, “My mom at my age was massively overweight, fighting cancer, a heavy drinker, and unemployed. She had all but given up on herself in every way. I could hardly blame her.  Life had ostensibly beat the crap out of her from an early age. So when I live a life completely differently, without any other woman who I am holding onto for guidance or support, I am not only breaking the mold of what I was taught being an adult woman is, but I am forming an entirely new one completely on my own. And that, sometimes, is very scary.”

However, for me, there is no option but forward. Because one day not so long ago, I realized I can only go in one of two directions: toward drinking, overeating, giving up on my art and myself and getting sick; or toward health, spirituality, and continuously risking to make the art that calls to me. That’s it. One way or the other. Because it’s the way my DNA is coded, the way the story came down to me.

I can choose: one way or the other.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being a survivor, for not following her path of suffering. Who am I to succeed, to thrive, to be well?

I am my mother’s daughter. And I must believe that despite her pain and loneliness, she would not want for me what she endured.

I am my mother’s daughter. And I must believe that despite her pain and loneliness, she would not want for me what she endured.

So, I hang onto the motto: NEVER GIVE UP. Because by not quitting, by staying on the path, by gluing myself to the task at hand, I know I am evolving myself into what my soul wants me to be. I am the EVOLUTION of my mom, and all the women in my family before her on both sides. I know she, and every one of those women, would want me to be more than a survivor.

They would want me to shine like an exploding sun.

And I, in turn, want that for every one of you. Because we are all capable of great things, and of lifting up this beautiful, troubled world up, together.

We CAN ALL be heroes… one day at a time….

 

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6 thoughts on “The Pain of Creating

  1. What a very lovely piece of heartfelt writing. Thank you! and also for the glimpse into your life via your mother’s history. You’re right: she’d absolutely not want you to suffer as she did; she’d want the very best for you and she’d want you to be happy. I guess that’s a no-brainer, but sometimes we forget! You obviously haven’t.

  2. Godbless you babygirl. Faith can be as tiny as a mustard seed, but it is impressive to God. I was fortunate to grow up in a family in which nothing was thought to be impossible. I did a word search in the good book on faith and found out that every incident of a person healed was preceded by the words by your faith. That’s how powerful faith is. When it gets real hard is when you get older. You don’t have a lot of the tools you had when you were just starting out. Youth, health, beauty, time. But then I think of Moses and Colonel Sanders and the fellow that invented Jeno’s pizza rolls. Folk say why them? Moses was old, he had been on the run, a stuttering fellow, and God picked him to rally the Hebrew slaves and take them to the promised land. He kept trying to find reasons why he was not the man for job. He was a wiener. But you know the end of the story. I can image him standing next the sea with his little stick saying God don’t fail me now. Colonel Sanders was to business as Abraham Lincoln was to running for office. A failure. KFC was born when he was 68 years old and he had time to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Who helped him with his enterprise and made is great? The man that became the head of Wendy’s Hamburger. The man who created Jeno’s Pizza rolls started out with the help of an Asian man to create the first home cook kits for Asian food. He was Italian. Buying the cuttings of Florida celery growers who cut celery to fit in boxes. Convinced local farmers to grow Mung Bean Sprouts domestically. He went on continuing to create products like mini egg rolls that later also produced pizza rolls. He was still creating and selling businesses well into his 80s until he passed with his boots on. Faith is believing in the unseen. Don’t sell people short, have confidence in what you do and others will too. Everyone wants to be a part of a dream. In a world where they feel they don’t have any control it is nice to be able to effect something that is wonderful. That I think is why so many artists in music, art and theater were backed by the church and the monarchies. The creatives of the world are the whispers of God. A movie, a video, a song can renew many spirits and that is why you must carry on. My dad believed is corner full service station was more than a business, it was a mission, a commission. My Mom believed that everyone who came across her doorstep was sent there by God for comfort and love. She touched even the hospice people that cared for her and many needed a renewal of their own faith in there lives. I believe they were sent to us for that purpose. My mom had had a difficult and dramatic growing up, but she didn’t let her past define her. She knew she was a creation of God and designed in his love and for a very special purpose. When other women or men seemed to be discouraging. Encourage them. Because they need it more than you. Become a vessel and pour yourself out. It’s amazing how God fills you back up every time. Before too long you will find people seeking you out time after time and that’s when you will be doing the really fun stuff. Love you TJ

  3. Hello Cady! I am always amazed with all things that you do and are working on. I always said you are in total control at what you do. I will and I know you can do things the way you want. I am so proud of you and I honor you for your courage as well as your talents. You rock now and always Cady. That;s why you rocked so much at playing Dixie Martin Connie. I now and always will be your friend and fan. With love, Carle Wells! XO

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